Lately, I have been feeling very stifled. It's taken me a while to figure out this feeling, but somehow I came to that conclusion tonight. Have you ever had someone in your life who you feel is constantly judging you, disapproving of everything you do, and you feel that no matter what you do, you can't be good enough? You just want to yell and scream and shout and say "WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PROVE MYSELF BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WORKING MY BOOTY OFF AND I'M EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!" Yep, I've been feeling that. It's been really hard to deal with, because over the past couple of years I feel I've made huge strides in figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I'd finally gotten to a place where I was confident in who I was, in my abilities, and where I was going. Don't get me wrong, I still feel those things. But there is one particular person in my life who is just...stifling. I don't feel free to be myself, my true self, the self that is bubbly and laid back and goofy around this person. And it's exhausting. My heart beats all out of whack when this person is around (and not in a good way) and I can feel my muscles tense up. I'd say this person isn't good for my health.
So how have I dealt with these feelings lately? Every time this person comes around, before they even speak I can hear them in my head, questioning my ability, showing their distrust and trying to fit me into a mold in which they think I should be. But guess what? I cannot be what you want me to be, because I can only be me. "Sarah, breathe," I tell myself. "You can handle this. You are capable and strong. Let it roll off your shoulders." I'm breathing deeply even typing that. "God," I ask, "are you testing me? Because this is really, really, really testing my patience. No, I mean like reeeeeeally." But I already know the answer.
I guess through it all I just have to remember to be patient. I have to remember that, like I said before, I am strong, I am capable, I am smart. I may have to prove myself or maybe I won't ever be good enough for this person (which, by the way, is their problem, not mine.). In these moments I tend to think back on the big trials I've had that have gotten me here, most notably Outward Bound/Pryor and studying in Spain. "If I can conquer Spain, I can do this. If I can fight spiders out of my face and keep my calm, I can do this." BAM! Yea, that's right, take that, you, I will win!
On a side note, my thumb is burning because of jalapeños. At least the curry was yummy, eh??