10 May 2011

My True Self

Lately, I have been feeling very stifled. It's taken me a while to figure out this feeling, but somehow I came to that conclusion tonight. Have you ever had someone in your life who you feel is constantly judging you, disapproving of everything you do, and you feel that no matter what you do, you can't be good enough? You just want to yell and scream and shout and say "WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PROVE MYSELF BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WORKING MY BOOTY OFF AND I'M EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!" Yep, I've been feeling that. It's been really hard to deal with, because over the past couple of years I feel I've made huge strides in figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I'd finally gotten to a place where I was confident in who I was, in my abilities, and where I was going. Don't get me wrong, I still feel those things. But there is one particular person in my life who is just...stifling. I don't feel free to be myself, my true self, the self that is bubbly and laid back and goofy around this person. And it's exhausting. My heart beats all out of whack when this person is around (and not in a good way) and I can feel my muscles tense up. I'd say this person isn't good for my health.

So how have I dealt with these feelings lately? Every time this person comes around, before they even speak I can hear them in my head, questioning my ability, showing their distrust and trying to fit me into a mold in which they think I should be. But guess what? I cannot be what you want me to be, because I can only be me. "Sarah, breathe," I tell myself. "You can handle this. You are capable and strong. Let it roll off your shoulders." I'm breathing deeply even typing that. "God," I ask, "are you testing me? Because this is really, really, really testing my patience. No, I mean like reeeeeeally." But I already know the answer. 

I guess through it all I just have to remember to be patient. I have to remember that, like I said before, I am strong, I am capable, I am smart. I may have to prove myself or maybe I won't ever be good enough for this person (which, by the way, is their problem, not mine.). In these moments I tend to think back on the big trials I've had that have gotten me here, most notably Outward Bound/Pryor and studying in Spain. "If I can conquer Spain, I can do this. If I can fight spiders out of my face and keep my calm, I can do this." BAM! Yea, that's right, take that, you, I will win!

On a side note, my thumb is burning because of jalapeƱos. At least the curry was yummy, eh??

02 May 2011

Estoy aqui!

Lately, I really dislike Mondays.  Sometimes, when I walk into my office in the morning, I sit at my desk and quote the line from "Office Space" to myself: "Someone has a case of the Mondays!"  Yep, that'd be me.  Something about Monday that is difficult.  Usually Monday is my slowest day.  I always have things to get done, but it seems like it's always less on Mondays.  That could be the reason I don't like them, because I find myself bored, daydreaming about Friday.  What a pity.

I think a lot about what I want to do with my life.  I've floated past a lot of ideas: human resources, paralegal, Spanish teacher, public relations, journalism.  For the most part, I like what I'm doing right now.  I'm a communication specialist at the Ford Kansas City Assembly Plant and it's pretty interesting.  Working in a manufacturing environment has its ups and downs, but there usually isn't a dull moment, at least not within the plant.  My favorite part is learning about all the employees, their stories, where they come from, and the like.  One friend is Malaysian but speaks Spanish.  Another runs marathons and is hardcore.  And yet another is a small white man, but is married to a woman from Puerto Rico.  Interesting lives they lead, and if I could, I would sit and listen to allllll the stories from everyone.

The biggest lesson I've learned about working where I have the past year is that I love people.  I have to have a job where I am working with people, all the time, or I will be bored and miserable.  And depressed.  Okay maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but still.  I also need Spanish.  I typically find myself speaking in Spanglish, mostly to myself, and I've decided I probably freak out those around me.  No pasa nada, si?  There I go again.

I guess 23 isn't the age that I need to have it all figured out, but sometimes I really feel like I should.  Just tonight I was talking to my roommate and boyfriend about how we feel that the people in our parents' generation is accustomed to having it all figured out, getting a job right away, and getting on with life.  My generation?  We'd rather take our time.  We'd rather be happy than make money.  We'd rather have an exhilarating life without a job, than one with a job that makes us want to die.  Again, melodramatic, but you get my point.

Conclusion?  I have all the time in the world.  Well, kinda anyway.  Maybe I want to get married and have kids by a certain age, but it'll happen when it happens.  I want to take my time to figure out what I want to do, career wise, and really dissect things to make sure my chosen career is going to fit my goals as I see them.

So slow down, world.  Let's not worry so much about having it all figured out asap, that's silly.