Pensar: To think (Pienso mucho... I think a lot)

I think so much.  This week, I find myself, sitting at work, just thinking.  About what, you ask?  Name it, I've probably thought about it.  Granted, I'm distracted by the fact that Christmas is in 4 days, and that means a week off of work (thank you, automotive industry).  A week to... act like a college kid on break.  Or something like that.  

This year signals a change.  Actually, many changes.  I thought I went through a lot of changes in college, but sheesh... this year has been a doosey.  In February, I started a new job as a Communications Specialist working at the Ford Motor Company.  It's been challenging, invigorating, rewarding and, at times, extremely frustrating.  I never knew I could grow so much in a job, or that my skills and training would come in so handy (especially all that Pryor stuff from college which many of us thought was somewhat silly).  I have grown so much, it's been incredible.  Back in February, one of our bosses told us that if we wanted to stick around for more than a year, we had to make them not be able to live without us.  On Monday when we officially found out we'd been renewed, one of our bosses said "you have shocked and amazed us" about our work and effort this year.  WOW.  I'm looking forward to growing and being challenged, making better friends with my awesome co-workers and communicating the crap out of that place!

Another big change that's been on my mind as we inch closer to Christmas is the fact that I'm going to be celebrating Christmas on Christmas Day with my dad in Texas.  This is quite monumental.  I haven't been with him on the actual Christmas Day since I was a wee little one.  My mom's side is going all different ways this year, and we won't all be together to open presents.  It's... odd.  It's the beginning of the kids growing up, moving away and, really, starting their own families.  My step-brother, who is 6 months younger than me, becomes a father in a few short weeks.  It's crazy how much and how quickly change happens.

Maybe my Spanish word of the day should have been "cambiar" which means "to change."

In 2012, I don't really see the change slowing down, though I'm hoping I know what's coming at me a little more.  But at the same time, I guess not knowing is half the fun... or frustration... or something.  I think my New Year's resolution should be to learn to roll with the punches.  I could probably stand to just let go and see what happens.  

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I am a planner. For as long as I can remember, I've always been a planner. I plan everything from what I'm going to eat at work the next day, to what I'm going to do in 5 years, to what I'm doing this weekend. Except I don't have to plan my lunch for tomorrow because I'm getting a free one (SCORE!)! You may say "well, that's not a bad thing, you have goals and know what you want." Okay, yea, I have goals. But that doesn't mean it's always a good thing.


About 6 months ago I started a job and signed a contract that I knew might put me in a position where I'd be looking for a job again in a year. Well, that time has come. Kind of, anyway. I still have a few months, but I can't help already trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to do with my life starting in January 2012. Things are very up in the air, and, to be honest, this scares me. It's led me to be very anxious the past week or so, to say the least. I've found it hard to focus on many things, except for figuring out my life. It's driving me nuts! It's probably driving my boyfriend nuts too, but that's besides the point.


I put a Post-It on my desk at work that says "BE HERE NOW!!" The cool thing is that little reminder is actually helping me. I find that, often, because I am a planner, I tend to miss the here and now. This is a problem. I also get tense shoulders because I'm just anxious. Annoying. 


Now, I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful for the chance to start new again, find another adventure, and expand my experiences. But man, is it stressful sometimes. Maybe the point of this all is to remind me to just chill. Or, as my friend Jade would say, "let it be what it is, man." 


I think that's a good reminder. Often we (I) get caught up in the day-to-day activities and just worry. But, according to the boyfriend, "worrying is about effective as trying to solve an algebra equation with chewing gum." 


So just let it be what it is, man. It'll all work out in the end.

My True Self

Lately, I have been feeling very stifled. It's taken me a while to figure out this feeling, but somehow I came to that conclusion tonight. Have you ever had someone in your life who you feel is constantly judging you, disapproving of everything you do, and you feel that no matter what you do, you can't be good enough? You just want to yell and scream and shout and say "WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PROVE MYSELF BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WORKING MY BOOTY OFF AND I'M EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!" Yep, I've been feeling that. It's been really hard to deal with, because over the past couple of years I feel I've made huge strides in figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I'd finally gotten to a place where I was confident in who I was, in my abilities, and where I was going. Don't get me wrong, I still feel those things. But there is one particular person in my life who is just...stifling. I don't feel free to be myself, my true self, the self that is bubbly and laid back and goofy around this person. And it's exhausting. My heart beats all out of whack when this person is around (and not in a good way) and I can feel my muscles tense up. I'd say this person isn't good for my health.


So how have I dealt with these feelings lately? Every time this person comes around, before they even speak I can hear them in my head, questioning my ability, showing their distrust and trying to fit me into a mold in which they think I should be. But guess what? I cannot be what you want me to be, because I can only be me. "Sarah, breathe," I tell myself. "You can handle this. You are capable and strong. Let it roll off your shoulders." I'm breathing deeply even typing that. "God," I ask, "are you testing me? Because this is really, really, really testing my patience. No, I mean like reeeeeeally." But I already know the answer. 


I guess through it all I just have to remember to be patient. I have to remember that, like I said before, I am strong, I am capable, I am smart. I may have to prove myself or maybe I won't ever be good enough for this person (which, by the way, is their problem, not mine.). In these moments I tend to think back on the big trials I've had that have gotten me here, most notably Outward Bound/Pryor and studying in Spain. "If I can conquer Spain, I can do this. If I can fight spiders out of my face and keep my calm, I can do this." BAM! Yea, that's right, take that, you, I will win!


On a side note, my thumb is burning because of jalapeños. At least the curry was yummy, eh??

Estoy aqui!

Lately, I really dislike Mondays.  Sometimes, when I walk into my office in the morning, I sit at my desk and quote the line from "Office Space" to myself: "Someone has a case of the Mondays!"  Yep, that'd be me.  Something about Monday that is difficult.  Usually Monday is my slowest day.  I always have things to get done, but it seems like it's always less on Mondays.  That could be the reason I don't like them, because I find myself bored, daydreaming about Friday.  What a pity.

I think a lot about what I want to do with my life.  I've floated past a lot of ideas: human resources, paralegal, Spanish teacher, public relations, journalism.  For the most part, I like what I'm doing right now.  I'm a communication specialist at the Ford Kansas City Assembly Plant and it's pretty interesting.  Working in a manufacturing environment has its ups and downs, but there usually isn't a dull moment, at least not within the plant.  My favorite part is learning about all the employees, their stories, where they come from, and the like.  One friend is Malaysian but speaks Spanish.  Another runs marathons and is hardcore.  And yet another is a small white man, but is married to a woman from Puerto Rico.  Interesting lives they lead, and if I could, I would sit and listen to allllll the stories from everyone.

The biggest lesson I've learned about working where I have the past year is that I love people.  I have to have a job where I am working with people, all the time, or I will be bored and miserable.  And depressed.  Okay maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but still.  I also need Spanish.  I typically find myself speaking in Spanglish, mostly to myself, and I've decided I probably freak out those around me.  No pasa nada, si?  There I go again.

I guess 23 isn't the age that I need to have it all figured out, but sometimes I really feel like I should.  Just tonight I was talking to my roommate and boyfriend about how we feel that the people in our parents' generation is accustomed to having it all figured out, getting a job right away, and getting on with life.  My generation?  We'd rather take our time.  We'd rather be happy than make money.  We'd rather have an exhilarating life without a job, than one with a job that makes us want to die.  Again, melodramatic, but you get my point.

Conclusion?  I have all the time in the world.  Well, kinda anyway.  Maybe I want to get married and have kids by a certain age, but it'll happen when it happens.  I want to take my time to figure out what I want to do, career wise, and really dissect things to make sure my chosen career is going to fit my goals as I see them.

So slow down, world.  Let's not worry so much about having it all figured out asap, that's silly.

dolores de crecimiento

Growing up hurts. Through all my experiences in my lifetime, and in the past 4 years as a student at William Jewell College, I think my senior year of college has been the most strenuous of them all. Some guesses as to why:

1) The transition back to America from Spain. Harder than I thought.

2) Coming back to Jewell after 8 months away. I'm a new person, and helping people understand that was/is really frustrating.

3) Senior Capstones. I have 4. FOUR. One last semester, three right now.

4) Finding a job/apartment.

5) Spain or no Spain? That is the question.

I think the biggest thing that has hurt is knowing I have one more year under my parent's roof, one more year to take naps in the afternoon, one more year to figure out my life. Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic, but still. Finding a job in the midst of three capstones is hard. Basically, it's just growing up, or realizing that I have to grow up (and be on my own) in 3 months, that hurts. Really badly.

However, I know that in the end, it'll be good. I will be stronger, more well-equipped, employed, and a graduate of William Jewell College when I come out on the other side.

And for those reasons, the growing pains are worth it. Life, bring it on!

La pasion ha vuelto!!

Yesterday was the day. The day for what, you might ask? The day Spanish returned to my life. You see, I haven't spoken Spanish in months. Sad to say, with my return to the States came a return to English, something that was welcomed and hated at the same time. I didn't even have a Spanish class last semester to keep me going, only a measly French class that barely taught me anything (sorry to you French lovers!). But yesterday, much to my amusement, came a walk back to the dorm, and my walking buddy, Julie Bo, who speaks Spanish. Yes, that's right. We spoke Spanish on our walk back to the dorm.

Then today, I started my Spanish Capstone class. This class is the reason I was scared to become a major, but now that I'm here, it's not so scary. I love Spanish. Even when it confuses me, pisses me off, and straight up breaks my heart, I always come back for more. A strange love affair, maybe, but one that keeps me intrigued nonetheless. Can I just say how excited I am to be in a class that is going to 1) make me speak Spanish on a regular basis and 2) push me further than I have been pushed in a long while. It is not too much to say that I just plain am happy again, and part of that is due to the fact that Spanish is back in my life. And I'm gonna keep it that way!

All this Spanish-speaking makes me think more and more about whether I want to spend a year in Spain teaching. While it has it's pros and cons, I still haven't made a decision. I decided today that I just need to apply (which would require my printer working to print necessary items for the application) and wait. If I'm accepted, then I can decide. If not, I know I must find something else. So that is that.

It's incredible to me how one's passion can make a person so happy, yet so confused. I guess I'll just have to follow my heart on this one, whatever that means.

Te echo de menos.

Palabra del dia: descansar --> to rest

It's funny how things hit us at just the right time it seems, like a kind word, coffee with a friend, a Christmas bonus, or mono. Yes, that's right, mono. And strep too, if you want to be technical about it. For the past two weeks, I have been tired and sick. It allllll started with a golf ball sized swollen lymph node in my neck. I proceeded to buy a half gallon of orange juice and chug it at will, up my vitamins, and try to get extra sleep in an effort to heal my body before it could be taken down. But oh no, this sucker wasn't going to leave my body without a fair fight. Two weeks later the doctor confirmed what I suspected all along (thanks to my boyfriend who gave me the idea): strep and mono. Oh joy, just in time for Christmas.

But really, it couldn't have come at a better time. Kinda sorta, anyway. I don't have to deal with homework or finals or worry about infecting the people in my dorm. I actually have time to rest, sleep ungodly amounts during the day, and claim "mono!!" when the parents ask the kids to do chores. Although it does mean one thing: I can't go to Texas this Christmas to see my Dad's side of the family. Normally, this wouldn't sting so badly. But this year, there's something different. The new baby, the end of an era for me, the fact that for the past 15 years, my brother and I have trekked to Texas the day after Christmas, fighting snowy roads, long lines in the airport, and annoying travelers who are obviously unpracticed at flying. But this year, it will be different. And it hurts and it sucks and I hate it.

In all of this sickness and my intermittent naps, I have had a chance to think. A lot. I have one semester of college left. And that's scary. I have to find something to do that doesn't include William Jewell College next year. In one manner, the world is my oyster. I can do whatever I want. I can fly to Spain and teach for a year, I can establish myself near family and friends in KC, I can get a job in Texas and be close to family I've never had an opportunity to be close to before. If only someone would make the decision for me, that might just be easier. One thing I know for sure: I will not move back home unless absolutely necessary. I must move and live on my own and be independent.

I've also been thinking a lot, due to a brother of mine the same age as me getting married 3 days ago, about marriage. The conclusion I've come to: I am 22 years old. Ain't no way I'm getting married anytime soon. I am too young. I have so much ahead of me, and I am most definitely not ready to tie myself down. No way, no how.

Last thing: life just isn't fair, especially when you are a part of a blended family. For those of you who don't understand that lingo, it means step families. It's something I've come to accept and try to ignore, no matter how much it stares me in the face.

So for now, I'll go take another nap, eat another Christmas cookie, and wrap presents I've been procrastinating on. Merry Christmas!!