The Gifts of Grief

Grief can be defined as a keen mental suffering or distress, or a sharp sorrow. 

In the past year, I've experienced more grief than I wanted to, more than I was prepared for (after all, who is usually prepared for grief?). I've had a lot of time to reflect (and sometimes agonize) over the last year, but through it all, I've pushed myself to learn through it, to grow through the pain. What I learned was that this grief has been a journey, one that began the moment my father was diagnosed with cancer. I like to call the things that I've learned the "Gifts of Grief".

During the past year, countless people have told me, "Man, your problems are so much bigger than mine. I shouldn't complain over [insert life issue here]." I never really knew what to say to these people. How can life events which cause pain that we don't have any control over be quantified? How can good events in life be quantified? The short answer: they can't. One of the gifts I learned through this was empathy. I wouldn't say I wasn't empathetic before this experience, but my ability to empathize grew. Just because life had thrown me curveballs that happened to really hurt didn't make my problems or issues any more or less than someone else's. And here's why: we all experience life through our own lens. The way we react to events is based on our experiences. So, for example, to say that 25-year-old Sarah's problems are bigger than 13-year-old Sarah's problems is a matter of perspective and experience. What was big to me in middle school is nothing to me now; it's all about perspective.

When my dad was sick, there were countless days where the only thing on my mind was him. The thoughts would race uncontrollably, sometimes putting me in a sort of daze. Is he going to get better? What is he doing now? Is he in pain? How is he handling this? How is my stepmom doing? When can I see him again? Can I handle this? Some days I could only function at a basic level, feeling crushed by the weight of the situation. I'd wake up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep. I found myself asking God why, why him, why our family, why now? I still haven't found answers to these questions, only knowing that life happens, and we often can't do a damned thing about it. It was in this that I learned adaptability. I didn't want to adapt to a life where my dad was sick, or worse, where he wasn't here. I still don't want to. But what choice do I have if I want to continue on and not be stuck in a constant "woe is me" state? I had to learn to continue with my life. Adapting meant giving up the control I wanted and allowing myself to live in the here and now, because it's all I had.

Perhaps the greatest gift I was given is perspective. Life is full of choices, each and every day, of what we choose as important. With limited time and resources, we often have to sacrifice one thing for another. For me, this played out in one seemingly simple way: not sweating the small stuff. Yes, it sounds cliché, but hear me out. I am the type that always has a to-do list. They help me focus, help me organize my thoughts, my day and my life. As silly as this might sound, I've learned to deviate from the to-do list. This gives me more time to spend with the people I love and, sometimes, even means that laundry goes unfolded for days on end. In essence, my perspective has changed to reveal a less structured life, giving me more time and attention to focus on the things that really matter, things like snuggling with my husband and pup while we watch TV on a cold February night, having an impromptu dinner with my in-laws or being able to babysit my nephew at a moment's notice. It's these things in life that give me all the perspective I need.

I've written here before about my dad teaching me to accelerate into the curves when he was coaching 15-year-old me to navigate back country roads. But what he didn't know when he taught me how to drive was that he was also teaching me a life lesson. When life twists and turns, slowing down or stopping can paralyze us in our tracks. Learning to accelerate into the curves keeps you moving, growing and, most importantly, living.

Slowing Down

Life is like a curvy, hilly, back country road. One minute it's up, one minute it's down and, just when you seem to have settled into a rhythm, all the sudden a curve comes out of nowhere. In the last year and a half or so, I've learned more than I've wanted to about how to cope with this road. Nonetheless, I'm still learning how to accelerate into the curves, as my Dad once taught me. One thing I do know: without the support of my family and close friends, I would have pulled the E-Brake long ago. 

With the change of the seasons comes a change in mood, a change in the way I look at life, just a little bit. It's as if an era has ended and a new one has begun. It leaves a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, one I know only time will ease. So many things remind me of my dad on a daily basis, but one thing stands out to me the most right now: the changing of the leaves. He loved this time of year and always insisted on coming to Missouri from Texas to get a small taste of the beautiful scenery, crisp air and a little time with his kiddos. 

It's in these daily reflections that I find myself thankful for what I have and wanting to soak up every moment. It may sound cliché, but it's truer now than it has ever been. It's also made me slow down. I find myself lingering a bit longer in moments special to me, like nightly walks with my husband and pup, making my nephew giggle or chatting with a dear friend over a cup of coffee. 

The pain is still raw but I take comfort in the small things that bring sweet memories flooding back. It's the memories that remind me that Dad would want us to live life looking forward, loving those precious to us, enjoying the great outdoors and remembering that this life is a gift. 

Confessions of a 20-Something Woman Living on Her Own... For the First Time

First confession: writing "woman" in the title was a conscience decision... "girl" seems to be more applicable to me, especially since I still see myself as the 18 year-old braced faced version of Sarah. "Woman" is a term I'm slowly coming to terms with.

 
Living alone has been a long time coming. Almost 2 years out of college, it's time. I had lived with two different friends for 2 years, in different apartments, moving on from both because they were ditching me to get married. So I guess 3rd time is a charm, right? ;-)

I've only lived in my new apartment by myself for about a month, but I already love it. It doesn't really come as a surprise to me though, because I've always known myself to be okay with being alone. Often I've wondered if something is wrong with me because I prefer many times to be alone than with people. I'm the person who typically prefers 2 or 3 close friends for dinner rather than 10 for a party. Quality, not quantity.


However, I've found living alone to be one of the best experiences of my adult life thus far.

Confession #2: Sometimes (ehem, tonight), I eat ice cream... out of the carton. Less dishes!

Confession #3: I dance in my kitchen a lot. Like, full-on, shake yer booty, dance. 

Confession #4: The first time I truly realized I lived alone, and could consequently do whatever I wanted to do, was when I left a sweatshirt out on the couch. Getting ready to go to bed, my internal dialogue was "I need to take that to my room and put it away." Suddenly, I stopped myself, and said (aloud, mind you) "This is my apartment. I'm leaving it there." Rebellious? Probably not. Gratifying? You betcha!

Confession #5: I hate dusting. Actually, it's more like loathe.

Confession #6: I'm terrible at decorating...but I don't really care. I had to have a friend help me organize my furniture to make it look suitable (aka, big furniture, little living room). Currently, there are 3 things hanging on my wall: a key holder so I don't lose my keys, my dry-erase calendar to keep me organized and a collage of my time in Granada, Spain, to help me remember where I've been. I figure I'll have someone else help me when it comes time to actually decorate a house.

Confession #7: Walking around in one's underwear is as freeing as they make it out to be. Whoever "they" are.

Confession #8: There have been plenty of nights I have lied in bed, covers up to my neck, heart beating fast, sweat dripping down my temples, sure the boogy man was about to get me. Usually, it's just my loud neighbor above me, who likes to stomp around.

Confession #9: TV is not an essential to me. I am perfectly content watching "New Girl" and "Glee" a week late. 

Confession #10: While I love living alone, I admit, I do miss people sometimes. That's why I'm lucky I have friends whose apartment I can walk to, and who love me enough to let me hang out whenever I need people time. I'm sure I'll enjoy this time alone, but I'm also grateful it's only for a season.

In the end, I'm really just damn proud of myself for being a big girl. (See..there it is again: "girl".) Being able to support myself was my #1 goal right out of college. I know I'm blessed to have reached that goal so quickly, and I'm really thankful for this time in my life, especially since I know it's only for a little while. In the meantime, I'll be dancing in my kitchen, only to realize I'm not alone when I get a weird glance from a neighbor walking by outside. What, you don't dance like a manic in your kitchen too?!
 

Everyday Happy

The other day while milling around the Plaza with my boyfriend's family, we wandered into a little boutique. It had all sorts of cute clothes and jewelry, but the one thing that struck me was the wall art (or words?) which couldn't be missed. What did it read?

"Happiness is not a destination. It's a way of life."

While this line isn't something that I haven't heard before or a concept with which I'm unfamiliar, I've never heard it put quite so simply. So often we have a tendency to see the greener grass on the other side, wondering if those other things would make us happier. I, too, am guilty of this. In all my planning and hoping and wishing for the future, I tend to lose sight of those things around me that make me happy on a daily basis, and all those things for which I am thankful: sunrises, the warm sun on my face, puppy kisses (thanks to a friend letting me dog sit!), Skyping with my brother, baking for other people, snuggling, making new friends at work, getting complimented on a job well done, laughing about nothing, crying at a sappy movie, reconnecting with old friends, to name just a few.

This quote, or thought, that happiness isn't somewhere we arrive, but the moments that make up every day life really got to me. I'm in a time of transition in my life in many different ways (or maybe I'm learning that life, especially after college, is ever-changing), and sometimes it can be very daunting and unsettling. I find myself thinking "When I live there" or "When I get this job" or "When I get that degree" then that is when I'll be happy.

But why can't I be happy right now?

In a society where we're always looking for the next best thing, I am choosing to be happy, right here, right now. I have a job, an apartment, a family and boyfriend and friends who love me and take care of me and are always there for me when I need them, and when I don't know that I need them. I am choosing to look at the little things that make up the days and be thankful. That's not to say sometimes I don't wish I were out traveling the world or living in a different state (ehem, Colorado), but I can't live my life focusing on the "greener" side. I have what I've been given, the cards have been dealt, and, while they're not yet all played, I must play the hand I've been given to the best of my ability. And sometimes, that means simply choosing to be happy, right where you are, and enjoying the ride. Because really when you look at it, it's the little, everyday things, and not the destination, that lead to the big, everyday kind of happy.

Buena Gente

I've been working at my job at Ford for nearly a year. In fact, I think it'll be a year in just a few short days...which also means the anniversary of the snowacolypse in Kansas City (God help us all!). I remember this time a year ago: I was so excited for something new, challenging and exciting, somewhere I could better excel, grow myself and really use my skills and, better yet, my degree. The world was my oyster.


A year a later, I've learned a lot. I remember feeling so lost, uncomfortable, nervous and really insecure at times as I entered the manufacturing world. I went to college about 15 minutes from the plant for 4 years, yet I can honestly say I never knew it existed. I'm not really sure whether that shows how much of a bubble I lived in at school or if Kansas City just isn't a big Ford city, but that's besides the point.


In my year of learning, one of my favorite things to learn has been about all the different people who work at the plant. These people are so hard working, it can put anyone to shame. They work crazy long hours, run on little sleep and wear bright yellow reflective vests as their fashion statement. But despite their matching attire, I've had the privilege to learn about the individuality of many individuals at the plant.


I've met people who have culinary degrees, run rodeos on their farm, drive an hour one way to work because they love their job, run marathons for the thrill of it (and get up at 4am to train), speak Spanish even though they're from Malaysia, have worked and traveled all over the world and even ones who have grown up in Kansas City and been here all their lives. Many, upon having a real conversation with them, are absolutely brilliant. It just amazes me how much I can learn from them. They are really, really interesting people, many of whom have become some very good friends of mine. They've enriched my life in so many ways, and I'm happy to call them my friends. 


These people, they're buena gente. In Spanish, this means "good people." To me, it has a rather profound meaning, because you don't hear it often in the English language. In Spanish, it's used as a strong compliment, more than just "he's cool," or "she's neat," but it's meant to really get to the core of a person, who they are deep down. Or at least, that's how I interpret it. 


I feel fortunate to have met these people, to have been impacted by them in ways I'm sure I don't yet even know, to be challenged and stretched and grown by their influence in my life. I only hope that I could give as much back to them as they've given to me.

Pensar: To think (Pienso mucho... I think a lot)

I think so much.  This week, I find myself, sitting at work, just thinking.  About what, you ask?  Name it, I've probably thought about it.  Granted, I'm distracted by the fact that Christmas is in 4 days, and that means a week off of work (thank you, automotive industry).  A week to... act like a college kid on break.  Or something like that.  

This year signals a change.  Actually, many changes.  I thought I went through a lot of changes in college, but sheesh... this year has been a doosey.  In February, I started a new job as a Communications Specialist working at the Ford Motor Company.  It's been challenging, invigorating, rewarding and, at times, extremely frustrating.  I never knew I could grow so much in a job, or that my skills and training would come in so handy (especially all that Pryor stuff from college which many of us thought was somewhat silly).  I have grown so much, it's been incredible.  Back in February, one of our bosses told us that if we wanted to stick around for more than a year, we had to make them not be able to live without us.  On Monday when we officially found out we'd been renewed, one of our bosses said "you have shocked and amazed us" about our work and effort this year.  WOW.  I'm looking forward to growing and being challenged, making better friends with my awesome co-workers and communicating the crap out of that place!

Another big change that's been on my mind as we inch closer to Christmas is the fact that I'm going to be celebrating Christmas on Christmas Day with my dad in Texas.  This is quite monumental.  I haven't been with him on the actual Christmas Day since I was a wee little one.  My mom's side is going all different ways this year, and we won't all be together to open presents.  It's... odd.  It's the beginning of the kids growing up, moving away and, really, starting their own families.  My step-brother, who is 6 months younger than me, becomes a father in a few short weeks.  It's crazy how much and how quickly change happens.

Maybe my Spanish word of the day should have been "cambiar" which means "to change."

In 2012, I don't really see the change slowing down, though I'm hoping I know what's coming at me a little more.  But at the same time, I guess not knowing is half the fun... or frustration... or something.  I think my New Year's resolution should be to learn to roll with the punches.  I could probably stand to just let go and see what happens.  

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

I am a planner. For as long as I can remember, I've always been a planner. I plan everything from what I'm going to eat at work the next day, to what I'm going to do in 5 years, to what I'm doing this weekend. Except I don't have to plan my lunch for tomorrow because I'm getting a free one (SCORE!)! You may say "well, that's not a bad thing, you have goals and know what you want." Okay, yea, I have goals. But that doesn't mean it's always a good thing.


About 6 months ago I started a job and signed a contract that I knew might put me in a position where I'd be looking for a job again in a year. Well, that time has come. Kind of, anyway. I still have a few months, but I can't help already trying to figure out what the heck I'm going to do with my life starting in January 2012. Things are very up in the air, and, to be honest, this scares me. It's led me to be very anxious the past week or so, to say the least. I've found it hard to focus on many things, except for figuring out my life. It's driving me nuts! It's probably driving my boyfriend nuts too, but that's besides the point.


I put a Post-It on my desk at work that says "BE HERE NOW!!" The cool thing is that little reminder is actually helping me. I find that, often, because I am a planner, I tend to miss the here and now. This is a problem. I also get tense shoulders because I'm just anxious. Annoying. 


Now, I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful for the chance to start new again, find another adventure, and expand my experiences. But man, is it stressful sometimes. Maybe the point of this all is to remind me to just chill. Or, as my friend Jade would say, "let it be what it is, man." 


I think that's a good reminder. Often we (I) get caught up in the day-to-day activities and just worry. But, according to the boyfriend, "worrying is about effective as trying to solve an algebra equation with chewing gum." 


So just let it be what it is, man. It'll all work out in the end.

My True Self

Lately, I have been feeling very stifled. It's taken me a while to figure out this feeling, but somehow I came to that conclusion tonight. Have you ever had someone in your life who you feel is constantly judging you, disapproving of everything you do, and you feel that no matter what you do, you can't be good enough? You just want to yell and scream and shout and say "WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO PROVE MYSELF BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WORKING MY BOOTY OFF AND I'M EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!" Yep, I've been feeling that. It's been really hard to deal with, because over the past couple of years I feel I've made huge strides in figuring out who I am and who I want to be. I'd finally gotten to a place where I was confident in who I was, in my abilities, and where I was going. Don't get me wrong, I still feel those things. But there is one particular person in my life who is just...stifling. I don't feel free to be myself, my true self, the self that is bubbly and laid back and goofy around this person. And it's exhausting. My heart beats all out of whack when this person is around (and not in a good way) and I can feel my muscles tense up. I'd say this person isn't good for my health.


So how have I dealt with these feelings lately? Every time this person comes around, before they even speak I can hear them in my head, questioning my ability, showing their distrust and trying to fit me into a mold in which they think I should be. But guess what? I cannot be what you want me to be, because I can only be me. "Sarah, breathe," I tell myself. "You can handle this. You are capable and strong. Let it roll off your shoulders." I'm breathing deeply even typing that. "God," I ask, "are you testing me? Because this is really, really, really testing my patience. No, I mean like reeeeeeally." But I already know the answer. 


I guess through it all I just have to remember to be patient. I have to remember that, like I said before, I am strong, I am capable, I am smart. I may have to prove myself or maybe I won't ever be good enough for this person (which, by the way, is their problem, not mine.). In these moments I tend to think back on the big trials I've had that have gotten me here, most notably Outward Bound/Pryor and studying in Spain. "If I can conquer Spain, I can do this. If I can fight spiders out of my face and keep my calm, I can do this." BAM! Yea, that's right, take that, you, I will win!


On a side note, my thumb is burning because of jalapeños. At least the curry was yummy, eh??

Estoy aqui!

Lately, I really dislike Mondays.  Sometimes, when I walk into my office in the morning, I sit at my desk and quote the line from "Office Space" to myself: "Someone has a case of the Mondays!"  Yep, that'd be me.  Something about Monday that is difficult.  Usually Monday is my slowest day.  I always have things to get done, but it seems like it's always less on Mondays.  That could be the reason I don't like them, because I find myself bored, daydreaming about Friday.  What a pity.

I think a lot about what I want to do with my life.  I've floated past a lot of ideas: human resources, paralegal, Spanish teacher, public relations, journalism.  For the most part, I like what I'm doing right now.  I'm a communication specialist at the Ford Kansas City Assembly Plant and it's pretty interesting.  Working in a manufacturing environment has its ups and downs, but there usually isn't a dull moment, at least not within the plant.  My favorite part is learning about all the employees, their stories, where they come from, and the like.  One friend is Malaysian but speaks Spanish.  Another runs marathons and is hardcore.  And yet another is a small white man, but is married to a woman from Puerto Rico.  Interesting lives they lead, and if I could, I would sit and listen to allllll the stories from everyone.

The biggest lesson I've learned about working where I have the past year is that I love people.  I have to have a job where I am working with people, all the time, or I will be bored and miserable.  And depressed.  Okay maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but still.  I also need Spanish.  I typically find myself speaking in Spanglish, mostly to myself, and I've decided I probably freak out those around me.  No pasa nada, si?  There I go again.

I guess 23 isn't the age that I need to have it all figured out, but sometimes I really feel like I should.  Just tonight I was talking to my roommate and boyfriend about how we feel that the people in our parents' generation is accustomed to having it all figured out, getting a job right away, and getting on with life.  My generation?  We'd rather take our time.  We'd rather be happy than make money.  We'd rather have an exhilarating life without a job, than one with a job that makes us want to die.  Again, melodramatic, but you get my point.

Conclusion?  I have all the time in the world.  Well, kinda anyway.  Maybe I want to get married and have kids by a certain age, but it'll happen when it happens.  I want to take my time to figure out what I want to do, career wise, and really dissect things to make sure my chosen career is going to fit my goals as I see them.

So slow down, world.  Let's not worry so much about having it all figured out asap, that's silly.

dolores de crecimiento

Growing up hurts. Through all my experiences in my lifetime, and in the past 4 years as a student at William Jewell College, I think my senior year of college has been the most strenuous of them all. Some guesses as to why:

1) The transition back to America from Spain. Harder than I thought.

2) Coming back to Jewell after 8 months away. I'm a new person, and helping people understand that was/is really frustrating.

3) Senior Capstones. I have 4. FOUR. One last semester, three right now.

4) Finding a job/apartment.

5) Spain or no Spain? That is the question.

I think the biggest thing that has hurt is knowing I have one more year under my parent's roof, one more year to take naps in the afternoon, one more year to figure out my life. Okay, so maybe that's a little dramatic, but still. Finding a job in the midst of three capstones is hard. Basically, it's just growing up, or realizing that I have to grow up (and be on my own) in 3 months, that hurts. Really badly.

However, I know that in the end, it'll be good. I will be stronger, more well-equipped, employed, and a graduate of William Jewell College when I come out on the other side.

And for those reasons, the growing pains are worth it. Life, bring it on!

La pasion ha vuelto!!

Yesterday was the day. The day for what, you might ask? The day Spanish returned to my life. You see, I haven't spoken Spanish in months. Sad to say, with my return to the States came a return to English, something that was welcomed and hated at the same time. I didn't even have a Spanish class last semester to keep me going, only a measly French class that barely taught me anything (sorry to you French lovers!). But yesterday, much to my amusement, came a walk back to the dorm, and my walking buddy, Julie Bo, who speaks Spanish. Yes, that's right. We spoke Spanish on our walk back to the dorm.

Then today, I started my Spanish Capstone class. This class is the reason I was scared to become a major, but now that I'm here, it's not so scary. I love Spanish. Even when it confuses me, pisses me off, and straight up breaks my heart, I always come back for more. A strange love affair, maybe, but one that keeps me intrigued nonetheless. Can I just say how excited I am to be in a class that is going to 1) make me speak Spanish on a regular basis and 2) push me further than I have been pushed in a long while. It is not too much to say that I just plain am happy again, and part of that is due to the fact that Spanish is back in my life. And I'm gonna keep it that way!

All this Spanish-speaking makes me think more and more about whether I want to spend a year in Spain teaching. While it has it's pros and cons, I still haven't made a decision. I decided today that I just need to apply (which would require my printer working to print necessary items for the application) and wait. If I'm accepted, then I can decide. If not, I know I must find something else. So that is that.

It's incredible to me how one's passion can make a person so happy, yet so confused. I guess I'll just have to follow my heart on this one, whatever that means.

Te echo de menos.

Palabra del dia: descansar --> to rest

It's funny how things hit us at just the right time it seems, like a kind word, coffee with a friend, a Christmas bonus, or mono. Yes, that's right, mono. And strep too, if you want to be technical about it. For the past two weeks, I have been tired and sick. It allllll started with a golf ball sized swollen lymph node in my neck. I proceeded to buy a half gallon of orange juice and chug it at will, up my vitamins, and try to get extra sleep in an effort to heal my body before it could be taken down. But oh no, this sucker wasn't going to leave my body without a fair fight. Two weeks later the doctor confirmed what I suspected all along (thanks to my boyfriend who gave me the idea): strep and mono. Oh joy, just in time for Christmas.

But really, it couldn't have come at a better time. Kinda sorta, anyway. I don't have to deal with homework or finals or worry about infecting the people in my dorm. I actually have time to rest, sleep ungodly amounts during the day, and claim "mono!!" when the parents ask the kids to do chores. Although it does mean one thing: I can't go to Texas this Christmas to see my Dad's side of the family. Normally, this wouldn't sting so badly. But this year, there's something different. The new baby, the end of an era for me, the fact that for the past 15 years, my brother and I have trekked to Texas the day after Christmas, fighting snowy roads, long lines in the airport, and annoying travelers who are obviously unpracticed at flying. But this year, it will be different. And it hurts and it sucks and I hate it.

In all of this sickness and my intermittent naps, I have had a chance to think. A lot. I have one semester of college left. And that's scary. I have to find something to do that doesn't include William Jewell College next year. In one manner, the world is my oyster. I can do whatever I want. I can fly to Spain and teach for a year, I can establish myself near family and friends in KC, I can get a job in Texas and be close to family I've never had an opportunity to be close to before. If only someone would make the decision for me, that might just be easier. One thing I know for sure: I will not move back home unless absolutely necessary. I must move and live on my own and be independent.

I've also been thinking a lot, due to a brother of mine the same age as me getting married 3 days ago, about marriage. The conclusion I've come to: I am 22 years old. Ain't no way I'm getting married anytime soon. I am too young. I have so much ahead of me, and I am most definitely not ready to tie myself down. No way, no how.

Last thing: life just isn't fair, especially when you are a part of a blended family. For those of you who don't understand that lingo, it means step families. It's something I've come to accept and try to ignore, no matter how much it stares me in the face.

So for now, I'll go take another nap, eat another Christmas cookie, and wrap presents I've been procrastinating on. Merry Christmas!!

La musica de mi corazon

Palabra del dia: flamenco --> flamenco, a form of dance originating in southern Spain, called Andulacia

One thing I was able to bring back with me from Spain was a CD called "Cositas Buenas," which is filled with all sorts of different Flamenco songs. While I was in Spain, I had the privilage of taking a Flamenco class from an incredibly talented flamenco dancer. Flamenco is a type of dance that originated in Andulacia, which is the southern part of Spain. It is characterized by specific beats and rhythms, as you can see in the video below. The dancer in this video is named Isabel Bayon. She is a famous Flamenco dancer. Click on the link below to view the video on YouTube. I promise you won't be disappointed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZU4wXqIxVU

At the end of the class, we were required to perform what we had learned for our host families and friends. I have a video of it on Facebook, but I can't figure out how to put it on here. If you're interested in watching my mad skillz, check it out on my Facebook. It's super sweet.

Anyway, the CD that I came back with has been on repeat on my iTunes for the past couple of weeks. Listening to it reminds me of the passion and spirit that come with Flamenco dancing. It helps me to relax and not take things so seriously. And, because I can't understand all of the words in the songs, it's great to study to!

It's incredible how the country, the people, and the traditions that I was introduced to while in Granada keep impacting me to this day, nearly 5 1/2 months later. I am forever changed.

La vida perfecta

Palabra del dia: feliz!! --> happy!! (exclamation points added for emphasis)

My life has been a whirlwind these past couple of weeks. I'm already 1/4 of the way through my senior year of COLLEGE. I can't believe this. It means I have to find a job. But while everyone else seems to be stressing out about grad school, law school, and finding a job, I find myself surprisingly calm. Sure, every now and again I have a freak out "OH MY GOSH I HAVE TO PAY MY LOANS STARTING SOON!" or "CRAP, MY PARENT'S HEALTH INSURACE WON'T COVER ME IN ABOUT 7 MONTHS!!" moments, but it's okay. For some reason, I know it'll all work itself out. In talking with a close friend of mine today, I was relieved to find that I'm not the only one who is (probably a little too much) laid back about this whole joining-the-real-world thing. And it made me smile.

My plan right now is to go back to Spain. Yep, you read that right. SPAIN. About every 3.654 days it hits me hard, the remembrance of something in my Spanish life last semester. The clacking of my boots on the pavement, the Spanish coffee sitting on my dresser, the flamenco music that has been on repeat (and I'm pretty sure my residents think I'm weird for it...), or simply hearing Spanish spoken. All of these things will put me right back there. And then I miss it, so badly.

Still, I have been able to find little glimpses of contentedness in my everyday life. These include speaking with Nico, the French foreign exchange student who is incredibly interested in learning the English language. Or sitting in on my internship class and talking about language and its many differences. Or going to Los Compas with a friend and talking to the waiters and hearing their Mexican accents. It's like music to my heart!

Back to the word of the day: happy. I am incredibly happy right where I am right now. Sure, my motivation to do anything related to school was left in Spain. And all I want to do is speak Spanish everyday and go have cafe con leche with my friends. But, some pretty great things have happened as of late. You can infer whatever you want to, but I'm just stinking happy. Like, my face hurts from smiling, happy. And it's goooood.

Estar viva

Palabra del dia: despertar --> to awake

Am I avoiding homework? Well, claro que si! But I have good reason.

I'm sitting in Starbucks (to get away from the dorm for a while) doing homework. This guy comes and sits down in the seat next to me. I've been here for probably about an hour, in this seat at least, and I just introduced myself to him. I wanted to find out where he's from, because he is obviously not from America. He's from Ethiopia. We didn't have a long extensive conversation, but we chatted about school, America, Europe, the usual. But it's probably the highlight of my day.

Everytime I talk with someone about going overseas, or talk to someone foreign, I feel like my heart is being reawakened. I am almost put back in Europe, where I would meet foreigners everyday. The mix of people and the intense amount of diversity made me feel alive. I absolutely love talking with people about their countries, lives, language, and whatever else it is that differs from my seemingly normal American life. It's incredible to me that people who are so different than me have this effect on me, but I'm beginning to think it's for a reason. I'm pretty sure I'm onto something here...

On another note, I had the opportunity to talk to a close friend of mine that I haven't seen in about 10 months the other day. She studied in Granada a year before me. Talking with her made me remember that my experience there was real. She validated all the feelings I have felt for the past 4 1/2 months about missing Granada, confusion about who I am now, and how to move forward. It's like she is reading my mind, literally. I think she might be the only person in America that truely understands how I feel. And I'm extremely thankful for her.

Back to homework I suppose. Que aburrido!!

Un agujero en mi corazon

Palabra del dia: extrañar --> to miss

When I woke up this morning, it was raining. Not a hard rain, but a mist, with cloudy skies. I checked the temperature for today-- 55 degrees. First actual cold day of the season. This meant only one thing: no dress today. So I pulled out a turtleneck and my boots to make me feel sassy. The thing is that I haven't worn the turtleneck since I was in Granada. This is evidenced by the clothes pin marks on the bottom of the shirt, showing it had last been dried hanging outside my window in the Granada air. When I realized this, it all the sudden hit me. I'm Granada-sick. And it's bad.

Days like today make me think of Granada in a strong way. As I was walking to class, the clack-clack of my boots made me remember walking through the plazas on the way to class in Granada, my boots making the same distinct sound. Suddenly I was put right back there. Sitting at breakfast, eating the toast with strawberry jam that I came to crave each morning, and drinking my cafe con leche. Looking up to see Ma in the doorway, a smile and "buenas dias!" coming from her cheery self. I miss walking (half-sprinting because we were always late) to class with Ronni and Betsy, laughing and being the loud Americans we were told not to be. The people, the buildings, the birds, the flower salesman, the tile roads that my traction-free boots would almost make me wipe out on everyday, I miss it all. Hearing "hola guapa!" as I walk to class, feeling like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, even if the attention is only because I'm a blonde in a sea of brunettes. Greeting Hermi each morning, his half-smoked cigarette dangling in his hand, arms outstretched for a comforting hug. I've got it bad.

I thought that after almost 4 1/2 months, the same amount of time that I was in Granada, I would be okay. But I'm not. I thought I would go back to normal, but I was wrong. I admit, some of the changes in me are for the better, but that doesn't change the fact that it is different, very very different. I thought life, especially in a place as familiar as Jewell, would go back to normal. But it hasn't. And I don't think it will.

I feel like I'm biding my time, trying to soak up all the time with my friends during my last year here. I'm waiting for the day I can apply to go back to Spain. Not because I hate it here, but because a huge chunck of my heart is left there. I will return to claim it back. I have to.

Until then, I'll keep buying cheese that makes me think of Spain, wearing clothes with pin marks, and walk in boots that threaten to take my life each time I wear them, all so I can remember where I've been, and what I have to look forward to. Hasta luego...

Amor esta mejor

Palabra del dia: amistad --> friendship

My friends have never meant more to me in my life than they do right now. I am at a place where I want to run and explore and have an adventure. Certain things are confusing and muddled, and I can't seem to figure things out. Yet at the same time, I am completely content, and I seem to know what is going on. A huge part of me feeling like I'm going to be okay where I am is because of my friends. To be honest, I have been overwhelmed by the amount of love and friendship I have been shown since returning to Jewell, and I am incredibly thankful.

I believe love is a basic human need, and a right. Everyone deserves to be loved, and we need it in order to be healthy human beings. I have had two friends recently who are hurting badly because of circumstances, and all they need is love. They both need someone to pay attention to them, listen, have a shoulder to cry on, and just love them. Through it all, they have inspired me to be a better friend, and to simply love.

Because without love, we have nothing.

Es suficiente para mi.

Palabra del dia: gracia -->grace

For some reason, there is a big God in my life that likes me. Take that back, loves me. A big love too. I don't know why, and I can't figure it out. My religious past tells me why He loves me, that's good and all, but really? Why? I have done nothing to deserve this, and what's worse, sometimes I do things undeserving of His love. Actually, everyday. Every. Single. Day. Ridiculous.

But somehow, in the midst of all my failures, He continues to give me grace. Case in point: I tend to overlook things sometimes, er, many times. Like a deadline for a program that I am one year away from completing. I was informed of this deadline today, and actually already have things in the works to complete it. But there is only one reason why: grace. He's helping me figure things out, even though I don't deserve it, even though I haven't asked for it. Why? Grace, that's the only reason. Okay, I'll take it.

-------------------------------
Randomness:

I have an ant bite on my foot that has caused the whole upper part near my toes to swell. Little devils!!

I'll admit it, the last 2 1/2 months have been the hardest I have ever gone through. And not for any reasons that one might think. I haven't been impressed with the way I've handled it, or who I've been. But, it's looking up. And I'm going to figure out who I am, once again.

My brothers are some of my favorite people on this planet. They can make me laugh until I cry, get so angry I scream, and love me more than I could ask for. Thanks, brothers, for being you.

It's ice cream time!

Estoy en mi salsa

No palabra del dia ahora, porque he escrito 2 entradas hoy y es suficiente. Too bad for you if you can't read that... deberias aprender espanol.

I just wanted to say how amazing the last part of my day was. I was feeling all pouty and crap, but it's amazing how some simple things can turn your day around. Here's a short listing:

1) Went to Wal-Mart with my mom. She's quite a hoot, let me tell you!
2. My car died, for the third time (yes, third) this summer, on my way to work. The part about this that makes me happy, I didn't freak out (probably cause I'm used to it by now) and after letting it sit a few minutes, it started right back up. Awesome.
3- I made good money at work, despite it being a slow night at first.
4> The customers that came in later were very pleasant. Some of my favorites, actually. It was nice to chat with them and have them tell me I'm the best waitress ever (or something like that).

OH, I forgot why I originally was going to write this post. Here goes. Little brother, Craig, just got back from some sort of hippie convention (pottery workshop) in Pittsburgh. He is talking about going to Denmark for a whole year. We got to talking about Europe, along with some other people at work, and I got SO excited!!! When being removed from the situation, it's easy to forget how you felt when you were there. But, I know that I, in fact, LOVE Europe, and going back would be a dream come true, and probably a smart move. I was literally jumping up and down.

Pues, necesito dormir porque tengo que ir mi coche al mecanico manana. Hasta luego!

Corriendo en circulos

Palabra del dia: aburrido --> bored

America the... boring. Or maybe that's just Springfield. It could be the fact that my life is a routine of waking up, eating breakfast, working out (if I'm motivated), being lazy, then going to work. I crave adventure, spontaneity, and Europe. It seems everyone I know is either in another country, or going to one. I'm so frustrated right now because I just want to be with my friends, in Europe, not alone in Springfield. But yet, there is still a light at the end of the tunnel (or something like that), which is going to St. Louis this weekend to see friends. I will be surrounded by people I haven't seen in months, hanging out and forgetting all my cares for a weekend. And then next weekend, I get to go to Kansas City and see more people I love. This is good, because it reminds me that my boring summer is only for a season... and for 5 more weeks.

On the flip side, this whole being away from my friends for 7 months (and counting) thing has taught me a lot about friendship. Without friendship, I don't know where I'd be. It is interesting to see who sticks around when all you have to rely on is Facebook chats, Skype dates, and emails. To be honest, I'm really really blessed with my friends, and I don't know what I would do without them. I can't wait to be reunited with all of them when I return to Jewell in 5 short weeks!

Okay I'll end with one (or maybe a couple things) that I love about Springfield, especially in the summertime: thunderstorms that are so loud they shake the house and make you want to stay in bed all day and sleep. Watching it rain while sitting on the deck. Sitting outside on the deck with my momma, reading the newspaper and drinking coffee. Andy's Frozen Custard. Running on the trails through the park in the midst of the hot summer sun. Riding in my car with the sunroof open and music blaring. Playing with my adorable pup, Abbie. Sunsets that take your breath away.

With that, I am off to be productive. Paz afuera!